Best Worst Experience

Burnt Forest

I was lucky, my relationship with the narcissist ended the day I found out she was cheating on me with another man. When I confronted her about it, she walked out. She barely looked back, other than to blame me for everything. I can hear you saying to yourself as your reading this, lucky, how is that lucky.

I would have never been able to make that decision; to leave her. So I find myself lucky that she removed her mask and showed who she truly was and walked out, if just for a brief moment. In hind-sight that was not the first she cheated, just the first time she was caught. Consequently, I find it fortunate that she made the decision easy by walking out. A week after she disappeared and was not heard from at all, she tried to come back. I said no. I wanted to say yes at the time, but something in me said no, not until we are good again. She gave me a confused look, I held my ground, and she walked out again. Little did I know, that moment was the beginning of something great.

I view the experience of being discarded by the narcissist as the best worst experience in my life. It hurt, was deeply confusing, and caused my health to fall to nearly fatal results. It is something I would never wish it on anyone. However, it turned into most mentally, emotionally, and physically transforming event in my life. Anything the world throws in my path can be faced, I am no longer afraid. What I lived through could destroy a person. I chose not to let it; I survived and I am recovering. I deeply feel that I can accomplish anything and don’t fear the unknown or bad people anymore. I am now invincible.

Situations in my life since have tested me. I pull from this experience and everything I am learning during recovery to face these situations head on. Laughter replaces anger in some cases. Laughter, because I feel I know what the person is thinking, what they are trying to do. Therefore, it has little effect on my emotions and I approach it logically, almost business like. That’s not to say that I don’t feel anymore. Feeling is natural and should not be suppressed. Surpressing feelings can cause greater long term problems. The road to healing is through those feelings. I just listen to them with a different mindset and heed caution that the person causing the feelings may be doing so to knock me off my feet logically. It’s a delicate balance, but one I understand now.

I never would have gained this useful insight, this ability to be in touch with my thoughts and emotions, if not for the hell the narcissist put me through. So, in a weird way, I am thankful. Thankful for this terrible low in my life, that I could grow from. Sometimes you need to burn down the forest to let new growth flourish. The narcissist burned down what I thought was life, and from it came new personal growth.

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Where to Start

Confused Man

As I write this first blog entry, I take the years of experience in my life and reflect back to where I was the day my wife left me and our kids. It has been years since I was discarded but I will always remember how those first endless days after felt. The total confusion, the terrible pain, and the relentless anxiety that filled my days and nights. It was almost too intense to function in day to day life; it consumed me. It was not until someone suggested my partner may be a Narcissist that I begin to discover answers. The road to full recovery was long and I did not know where to start. In fact I am not completely there, but I can see the finish line. I offer 5 key elements to recovery that worked for me; that I wish to share with you as I start this blog to help everyone out there dealing with Narcissism.

Read

Read everything you can find on the subject of Cluster B Personality Disorders, specifically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Knowledge is the key to understanding what you are feeling and what your partner is not feeling. I have read more books and articles since the narcissist left me than in the entire two decades I was with her. I have opened up a part of my mind that I did not know was there.

Support

Find a NPD victim support group. This could be through social media, forums, or in person. Conversing with others who are dealing with similar issues can be very helpful. Talking to a friend who does not understand what you are dealing with can only take you so far. In fact those who love you and care for you will tell you it’s time to move on too early in your recovery. Further, keep what you discuss with this group quite, as depending on the level of NPD your former partner has, the information shared could be detrimental to your recovery. The member’s of these groups understand the need for anonymity.

Exercise

Working on your physical health is not only good in dealing with the anxiety and depression you will face, it boosts your self-image. Anything you can do to give yourself a boost of confidence will help you tremendously in dealing with everything you will face on this long road to ultimate recovery. I did not choose to begin working out; I had a family member drag me into it. It was the best change to me after I was discarded, and one you will never regret.

Seek Help

Seek professional help. Don’t just find a therapist or a doctor, find one who specializes in working with victims of abuse from persons with cluster B disorders such as NPD. While my first year in therapy was grounding and helped me deal with anxiety issues, it did not address the root cause. It was not until I found a specialist working with persons with NPD and victims of NPD that I started making real prog

Love Yourself

Loving yourself does not mean that you choose not to love others. Loving yourself is about finding out what you want in life. You did not have that option when you were with the Narcissist. Get back to what makes you happy. Do not worry about what others think of your choices. Live how you want to. Don’t judge yourself. Live in the moment a bit, until you find yourself again. Personally, I turned to sex after I was discarded. It was withheld from me for so much during my marriage that I thought that was what was missing. (More on that for another post.) While it was missing, I quickly learned it was not the end game. But none the less I lived that; it was part of learning me and loving me. Don’t doubt, just do, keeping your physical and mental safety in mind as you do.

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