What If I’m Wrong

1+1=3 (Wrong Answer)

What if your wrong? What if this person that hurt you, or is hurting you, is not a narcissist? What if he/she is correct and you are the one with a problem? What if your the narcissist? What if?

It does not matter! Your feelings are all that matters. Own them. Whether you were with this person for a long time, as I was, or this was a short encounter; whether they left you, or you walked out, all that matters are your feelings. If you are here reading this, you are feeling something that brought you here. Some confusion that you can’t make sense of. How can this person I loved be so harsh? I don’t recognize them. Where is the person I loved? You are asking these questions because your partner built up this false image of themselves. An image you believed in, and fell in love with. Suddenly that person you loved is gone. I not speaking in the physical sense, but rather psychologically. You have been discarded in the narc’s mind like a used tissue. So now you are going to be treated differently by them, but he/she will continue to use the same tools that made you fall in love with him/her.

The narcissist always told you what to believe, correct? Think about it for a moment. Is he/she trying to do that now? Is the narc telling you what to believe again, but this time in a directly negative and derogatory manner. Are you still believing what the narc is telling you? You want to understand, and since that person won’t explain to you what honestly went wrong in the relationship, you begin to blame yourself as the narc has trained you to do. There is no one else left to blame.

Stop. Stop blaming yourself. You would not feel this way if this person was honest throughout your relationship. You are dealing with someone who will never give you the answers you are looking for. That lack of closure is causing you to doubt yourself. This is normal and healthy. You are not the narcissist. A narcissist would not try to understand. Because he/she is superior, he/she does not need to understand someone’s feelings. The narc has none. If you were the Narcissist you would not be doubting yourself. You would not have the ability to look in on yourself, you would not possess the empathy needed to truly love someone. The want to understand why is normal. 

You are not wrong. If you feel a certain way, no one can tell you your wrong to feel that way. These are your feelings. You also can not make a person feel a certain way. How someone feels is completely controlled by that person. Everything the Narcissist tells you about how you ‘make him/her feel’ is just another level of inability to own their feelings; therefore he/she attempts to control yours. In doing so, they make you doubt yourself. It works. It worked on me for a long time. Until one day the masked was removed and I saw her true colors. Those colors scared me.

The narc will tell you that you are wrong, they will continue to slander you to others, gaslight you, and hoover back at times professing the want to speak with you. It is all part of the game they play. They play it day in and day out. It really doesn’t matter if he/she is actually diagnosed as someone with Narcissistic Personalty Disorder. If you want to label this person that so you can find tools to deal with them, that is your free will. You are not wrong.

At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It matters to choose to live a happy life, to rise above the pain and the past. The sooner you can realize that, the sooner you can begin to heal. You may not do it overnight, but it will come. Don’t hate yourself with doubt. Love yourself by embracing your feelings. Trust yourself.

Please follow and like us:

Lucy Rising

One of the best resources I found early on to my path to recovery was LucyRising.com. If your just finding out that you were with a Narcissist or want to know more about your confusion with your partner, this is an great place to start. It stabilized me and guided me when I was completely lost.

Please follow and like us:

Secure Me

Locked Gate

When I was finally discarded, I instantly felt threatened. I remember waking that following morning (OK, I did not really sleep at all that first night), I feared I was about to loose everything, I feared she would do anything to destroy me; actually kill me. Instantly, I was in self preservation mode, protect me at all costs. Almost as if I was dropped into a war zone. I instantly felt like a soldier that had zero knowledge of what he was about to face. It was such a strange feeling. Hours before, I was in bed, crying. I just lost the love of my life; she left me for another man. Left me with children, to raise on my own. What was I going to do? That following morning, that all disappeared. All that was present was this fear of danger. Her mask fell off. I was now seeing the real her; and it was like looking the devil in the eye.

While this was my first marriage, this was not the first break up I had ever experienced; I had many before being married. I can tell you, this felt very different from any breakup I had with anyone before. In fact the feelings I was having were completely confusing to me at the time. I was experiencing an awakening. While I was not conscious to it while I was with my narcissistic partner, my mind always knew she was bad for me. When she left, all these repressed feeling and thoughts came rushing forward. I didn’t sleep for a long time. Now that my heart was broken it was no longer clouding what my mind was trying to tell me all along. My mind wanted it’s turn to speak. Speak it did, 24-7, there was no time for sleep. I processed a lot in those sleepless nights. Very hard things; things I did not understand, things that were causing me great fear. 

That feeling of fear grew and subsided throughout years of recovery. The path of recovery was never linear and consistently confused me as the feeling of fear would build within me and then fade away. I would have tremendous days of confidence and happiness, and then one word or email from the Narc would send me in a tailspin. Years later it is still there sometimes; much less than it ever was. It is there so infrequent now that it has allowed my mind to travel in a eye opening direction. In the direction of true introspection, and very clear retrospection. After a traumatic experience like the Narcissist discarding you there will always be triggers that take you back to moments in the experience. Moments that you will begin to relive and try to understand. I have learned to channel what I am feeling about the memories into real healing. The healing is coming from reflecting on what I was really feeling in those moments. Let me explain…

One evening I was talking to my current girlfriend about day to day life. She also was married before. We talked about what we handled in the household, what our partner did, and so on. During one of my explanations I was triggered. I was explaining I did most of the grocery shopping, and thoughts came rushing back in a way I never saw before. I started reliving those evenings in my head. Leaving the house to go grocery shopping late at night, after a long day. I started to remember it was one of my most peaceful moments in my life. Getting out of the house, away from her, was peaceful. That recollection got my gears turning and all sorts of memories started to come back. Memories of how all my anxiety attacks would happen when heading home to her, never while heading out. All the times I would collect the kids, run home, and get dinner ready, being on edge as I tried to have everything ready for her arrival. The dreams I would have as I slept, about how much simpler life would be single again. The constant uncomfortable feeling I had in a social situations involving her, but I was completely at ease in social environments that did not include her. The list goes on. I came to realize I was always on edge around her. 

The need to protect myself at all costs was there, but buried deep within me. My mind was constantly trying to tell me to get away. It was causing me physical pain and fear to try to snap me out of it. Panic attacks, numbness in my limbs, tension in my jaw, grinding teeth at night, headaches. I would not listen to my mind and body though. All I could remember was all the happiness this person brings me. I was waiting for that next great loving moment with her. My heart was blinding me from the truth, while the rest of me was slowly dying. Deep down, buried in my subconscious, I always knew how bad she was for me. They say listen to your heart. Well guess what, your heart can be fooled. Listen to it all, your mind, your heart, your body, your soul. Love yourself, protect yourself, feel your emotions; then love another. 

Please follow and like us: