The Narcissist Does Not Change

Here I am years later, and I find myself marveling over the fact that the Narcissist does not change. I have read it a million times, that person’s with NPD or disorders of this sort are incapable of the insight required to make a real change in one’s life. Yet, when I experience it first hand, I am still surprised. I often wonder, when will I not be surprised anymore? It has been nearly 3 years since the Narcissist walked out of my life to spend it with her new supply that she was cheating on me with. Looking back, I now know it was for the best, and is it was the only kind thing she has ever done for me. My days are more peaceful and my nights are restful without her in my day to day life.

I am not able to go no contact, which we all know is best, because I have kids with this person. I do not co-parent with her, it is impossible to do so with someone who only considers themselves in any situation, and uses her children as pawns. A better term I have heard to describe it is parallel parenting. I do the best I can when I have the kids, and leave her to do what she does when they are with her. This limits the amount of contact, something I have been practicing for a few years now. Yet, I still am surprised how the Narc acts when we do have to interface. Here is an example. I had to attend a school function for one of the children I had with the Narcissist. I arrived at the function and started to meet with teachers as needed. Part way through the Narc comes up to me and asked if I would see the teachers together with her, instead of separately, so that it was easier for the teachers. I simply responded “no”. I did not want to do that, and I had previously made that clear multiple times in the past year. I was going to hold my boundary; I was not angry or mean about it, I simply stated that was not my preference. When I said no, I got the disapproving look followed by the words “you never work with me” that she huffed as she walked away. I was surprised. Surprised she still asked, and would get angry at me for expressing my preference. This is now someone I barely speak to outside of the written word, and she wants me to ‘work’ with her; spend time with her. Why, after all this time would she want to do that? We don’t talk at all, why would we want to sit there together and talk to someone else and pretend we are raising the children together? Further, why does me saying no, get her angry at me. Why? Because the narcissist never changes!

The fact is I have changed. Without the Narcissist in my life I have begun to realize my self-worth. That my feelings and wants matter just as much as anyone else. I have found who is worth me giving my time too. Now that I am surrounding myself again with emotionally and psychologically healthy people it almost seems foreign to me when I cross paths with someone who isn’t. I bettered myself as a result of the divorce, and I expected my ex to do the same. However, she can’t. This cold, calculated manipulation she performs on people is all she knows. Instead of explaining to me why she wanted to see the teachers together, she immediately turns to trying to guilt me into feeling bad about “not working with her”. That is the only way she knows how to handle life. It’s sad actually. I can’t imagine going through life like that. I don’t have to anymore. The Narc will; she will not change.

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