The Narcissist Does Not Change

Here I am years later, and I find myself marveling over the fact that the Narcissist does not change. I have read it a million times, that person’s with NPD or disorders of this sort are incapable of the insight required to make a real change in one’s life. Yet, when I experience it first hand, I am still surprised. I often wonder, when will I not be surprised anymore? It has been nearly 3 years since the Narcissist walked out of my life to spend it with her new supply that she was cheating on me with. Looking back, I now know it was for the best, and is it was the only kind thing she has ever done for me. My days are more peaceful and my nights are restful without her in my day to day life.

I am not able to go no contact, which we all know is best, because I have kids with this person. I do not co-parent with her, it is impossible to do so with someone who only considers themselves in any situation, and uses her children as pawns. A better term I have heard to describe it is parallel parenting. I do the best I can when I have the kids, and leave her to do what she does when they are with her. This limits the amount of contact, something I have been practicing for a few years now. Yet, I still am surprised how the Narc acts when we do have to interface. Here is an example. I had to attend a school function for one of the children I had with the Narcissist. I arrived at the function and started to meet with teachers as needed. Part way through the Narc comes up to me and asked if I would see the teachers together with her, instead of separately, so that it was easier for the teachers. I simply responded “no”. I did not want to do that, and I had previously made that clear multiple times in the past year. I was going to hold my boundary; I was not angry or mean about it, I simply stated that was not my preference. When I said no, I got the disapproving look followed by the words “you never work with me” that she huffed as she walked away. I was surprised. Surprised she still asked, and would get angry at me for expressing my preference. This is now someone I barely speak to outside of the written word, and she wants me to ‘work’ with her; spend time with her. Why, after all this time would she want to do that? We don’t talk at all, why would we want to sit there together and talk to someone else and pretend we are raising the children together? Further, why does me saying no, get her angry at me. Why? Because the narcissist never changes!

The fact is I have changed. Without the Narcissist in my life I have begun to realize my self-worth. That my feelings and wants matter just as much as anyone else. I have found who is worth me giving my time too. Now that I am surrounding myself again with emotionally and psychologically healthy people it almost seems foreign to me when I cross paths with someone who isn’t. I bettered myself as a result of the divorce, and I expected my ex to do the same. However, she can’t. This cold, calculated manipulation she performs on people is all she knows. Instead of explaining to me why she wanted to see the teachers together, she immediately turns to trying to guilt me into feeling bad about “not working with her”. That is the only way she knows how to handle life. It’s sad actually. I can’t imagine going through life like that. I don’t have to anymore. The Narc will; she will not change.

Please follow and like us:

Boundaries – The Great Wall

Image of the Great Wall

One of the best way to hold your boundaries with the narcissist in your life is to go No Contact. However, when you have children with the this beast, as I do, No Contact is not really an option. I have found that establishing boundaries with the Narcissist is not building one great wall; like the Chinese states used to protect themselves from the nomads. But rather it is more like building a fortification, with multiple smaller defenses.

Before I went to get counselling specialized in narcissist recovery, which I highly recommend, I was working tirelessly on keeping the Narcissist out. I did everything I could to keep everything in my life from my X-wife, and I would go out of my way to avoid her. When she would break a boundary, whether it was via email, via text, or in person, I would crumble. I found myself completely reverting back to the day she walked out on me. Asking myself why I was not good enough, what did I do wrong. Moments later I would become angry with myself for letting my boundary be broken. Each time it happened the depression afterwards was shorter than the time before. However, it was still there each time.

This went on for the first couple years, until I finally got tired of it and said something has to change. I sought out a therapist specializing in working with those with N.P.D. and victims of narcissistic abuse. At my first meeting I told him my goal was to no longer be emotionally effected by this person. I was determined to not let the narcissist enter my world anymore. To build a great boundary wall that was impenetrable to her ways. Over the coarse of many sessions the therapist helped me realize that the very want to hold my boundaries was causing the majority of my angst. It was something I had to work at so hard, that I would loose myself when it was broken. 

The result of that discovery was to build little boundary walls, instead of one great one. Let the narcissist past one or two boundaries, but maybe not the third. I had to define boundaries in my mind that are absolutely not to be crossed and then surround those with ones that are not as important and could be ignored now and then. In doing so the Narc gets supply from crossing a boundary, but I was able to stay indifferent, knowing my most prized boundary was secure. For instance, I am holding a boundary of no contact while I have my children, because there is no need for her to contact me. If I get contact from her, I do not read it at that moment. I wait until a time I feel I want to review the contact, and maybe respond to it. If no response is warranted,  I file it away, and provide no response. My minor boundary of no contact may have been broken, but my major boundary of not interacting, or returning contact stays maintained. This little exercise has prevented most, if not all, of my episodes of depression after an encounter with my X-wife. 

Build little walls, not grand ones. Let the minor things be, protect the major boundaries! This little epiphany, along with setting the stage, which I will get to in another article, has done wonders for me. 

Please follow and like us: